Hey, You Laughin’ at Me?

By R. Simms, July 4, 2023

You bet I’m laughing at you. My friends too. And not just at you, but all your clueless contemporaries. It’s not just regular laughing either. It’s hysterical, cackling, borderline psychotic laughing. Unfortunately, you have little recourse, since we are laughing at you from 100 years in the future. Sorry.

Why such amusement? It’s because you people all thought you had to carry 4000 pounds of steel with you wherever you went. Don’t give me that puzzled look. It can be only one thing. It’s your car.

As the disruptive technology of the day, cars quickly replaced horses in the early 20th century. Since then, over two billion cars have been manufactured, worldwide.

The auto and oil industries thus had plenty of cash for lobbying and campaign contributions, thereby assuring public transportation money was directed towards automobile infrastructure. We relied on cars to get around, as transit, the cheaper safer alternative, at least for city dwellers, became an underfunded afterthought.

We came to take for granted our car-culture related problems: traffic jams, road rage, road noise, pollution, potholes, sirens, hit-and-run, jay-walkers, tailgaters, car-theft, car-jacking, construction detours, double-parked delivery trucks, way too loud motorcycles, car-alarms with minds of their own, ladders and mattresses appearing inconveniently on the freeway, the dreary search for parking. And all those dead and injured people, tens of thousands of the former and millions of the latter, every year.

Personally we paid for: car payments, gas, insurance, maintenance, repairs, parking, registration, car washes, smog checks, tolls, traffic tickets, Auto Club.

Via taxes we paid for: roads and bridges, highway patrol, traffic cops, the DMV, legislation, traffic lights, meter maids, stop signs and all those other signs, like “do not enter”, “one-way”, “dead-end”, and my favorite: “no diving from bridge.”

Then the We The People Amendment passed. That’s right. Two-thirds of both houses, and three-fourths of the state legislatures said Yes. Can’t remember the exact date, but is was closer to your time than to mine. It clarifies that when the constitution mentions people or persons, it is referring only to actual homo sapiens type people, and nothing else. Not corporations, not labor unions, not churches, not Super PACS.

The next morning was no different from mornings past. Same birds chirping, same coffee brewing, same breezy morning talk shows. But the wheel that had been frozen solid for so long gradually began to turn. Our elected representatives, local, state and federal, began to see the possibilities.

We realized that our common public information space had been colonized by corporations lying to us for the sake of money. We began to take that space back.

First to go was tobacco advertising. We had all just assumed that the freedom of speech guaranteed in the First Amendment gave tobacco companies the right to spend millions to persuade teenagers to smoke. Nothing we could do about it.

What a crock of shit that was. Collectively, our re-awakened representatives experienced a BGO (Blinding Glimpse of the Obvious).

Quickly, tobacco advertising was proscribed. Magazines, billboards, Online, point of sale, sponsorships, merch. All gone.

Early state constitutions prohibited corporations from political involvement. These restrictions weakened during the late 19th and early 20th centuries, then disappeared.

With the We The People amendment in place, this principle gained new life. These days, corporations may no longer make political contributions nor be involved in political campaigns. Penalties for violators are severe, including serious jail time and eye-popping fines. Still, some try to skirt the law, you know, fools rush in. Today there are still a few ladies and gentlemen who, representing their companies, have recently been caught trying to influence their legislators with cash, and who now have their living expenses provided by the State.

Old-style lobbying with hordes of corporate advocates wandering the halls of congress was replaced.

A company desiring a word with our legislators must request a hearing. Individual citizens, of course, can approach their representatives any time with no constraints. No change from the past. That includes corporate executives, on their own time, and on their own nickel. But if a corporation or some other entity itself wants to talk to our representatives, it has to go through channels.

Permission is typically granted, and hearings scheduled. They are televised live. They are similar to congressional committee hearings, with representatives from both parties listening to and posing questions to witnesses. The press and the public are also invited, who are given plenty of time to ask their own impromptu questions, as cameras roll.

Additional unexpected benefits appeared. Without constant pressure from lobbyists, who outnumbered your representatives by around 20 to 1, and pleasing corporate donors no longer an issue, Legislators paid closer attention to actual problems. They spent more time in serious dialogue among themselves. The result: more agreement and more effective legislation.

Personal transportation was one of many re-examined issues. Somebody got the bright idea that public transit should be universal and free to all.

This notion was greeted with its own round of raucous laughter. Where are we going to get money for this? Tax-and-spend insanity some said. These people hate America, some said. They want to spend us into oblivion, they said. Lock ’em up, they said.

Then they put their heads together and did the math. Calculations revealed that transit was way, way cheaper than owning a car. Cars were the second biggest expense for most families, just behind housing. How much cheaper? About $8000 a year, per vehicle.

So the question changed from “How could we possibly pay for all of this” to “what are we going to do with all that extra money?” The nation now spends hundreds of billion of dollars per year less on personal transportation than it did at the height of the homo- automobilus era. This one change lifted many out of poverty.

Everybody came out winners, auto and oil companies excepted. You can still acquire your own car, and with our legacy highway system, which is now maintained better than ever, driving is easier, safer and more pleasant. But most people have no need and use free public transit instead, saving a fortune.

Buses, trains, trams, and some innovative specialized vehicles are always there for a safe and comfortable ride. People hating transit turned out to be fake news. If you check the boxes, they will come: accessible, reliable, frequent, safe, goes where you need to go, inexpensive.

Vastly improved sidewalks and bike paths make walking and biking good options. If you absolutely must have your own personal vehicle, you can order a robot car or SUV to appear at your doorstep. Drive it yourself, or let the robot do it. Your choice.

We took other steps to ease citizen movement from point A to point B. For example, housing with more than a minimum number of dwelling units must now include retail. Need lunch or a haircut or your nails done or your shoes repaired? A pleasant walk will get you there.

So don’t give me that hang-dog look. Take heart in knowing that your great-grandchildren will be better off than you are.